I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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