My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
