Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
