How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
