I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
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You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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