Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
