four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
