their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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