You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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