Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
