Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
