Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
