I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
