peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
