I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
as a side note pls kill me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
