stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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