there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
