The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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