Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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