somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
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stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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