Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
