If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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