is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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