He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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