I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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