good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
