What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
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Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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