ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We are all done wearing pants today
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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