Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
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