omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
