watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
pray to the hookup gods
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
