My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
