I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
