I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
