I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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