That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
