like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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