My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
