My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im holly from the hills drunk
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Oh god it's open bar.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
