My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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