All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
