There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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