Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
