Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
