The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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