I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
