So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
