The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
