3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
