I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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