New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
