I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
