Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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