There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
