Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
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I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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