Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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