This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
