every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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