Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
