You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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