I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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