Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
